Communicationhelper

Email disclaimers WSJ

2012-01-27T08:37:00.001-08:00

Warning: If the Email You Just Read Isn't for You, Don't Read It

Disclaimers Proliferate, but Some Wonder About Words; Confidential Lunch Order

By DIONNE SEARCEY And MICHAEL ROTHFELD

When attorney Marc Reiner sends an email from his work account at a Manhattan law firm, recipients get a host of admonishments.

The email might contain "privileged, confidential and/or proprietary information," they are told. If it landed in their inbox by error, they are strictly prohibited from "any use, distribution, copying or disclosure to another person." And in such case, "you should destroy this message and kindly notify the sender by reply email."

Mr. Reiner thinks the disclaimer—144 words in total—is, for the most part, bluster.

"That disclaimer is automatically attached even to emails that I send to judges, to opposing counsel, and to my mother," said Mr. Reiner, whose practice focuses in part on anticounterfeiting and intellectual property. "It might as well say that the email may contain the secret recipe for Coca-Cola."

Email disclaimers, those wordy notices at the end of emails from lawyers, bankers, analysts, consultants, publicists, tax advisers and even government employees, have become ubiquitous—so much so that many recipients, and even senders, are questioning their purpose.

"Who reads them?" asks Bruce Nyman, a former county official from Long Island, N. Y., who has grown tired of the many disclaimers attached to messages in his inbox. He says they are like the modern-day mattress tag. "And has anyone ever been arrested for tearing them off?"

Emails are becoming bogged down with unwanted information. They often now include automatic digital signatures with a sender's contact information or witty sayings, pleas to save trees and not print them, fancy logos and apologies for grammatical errors spawned by using a touch screen.

Steven Ladin, a 34-year-old marketing executive from Minneapolis, stamps emails with his Twitter and LinkedIn addresses. Some also have a goateed computer-graphic depiction of himself, and others have a disclaimer for his iPhone's auto-correct function: "Sent from my E-Gadget. Please excuse my abbreviated and potential misspellings…I have fat fingers," it says.

He says he tries to contrast his messages with long and serious confidentiality disclaimers. "People just have too much in their emails; I like to add a little humor."

A series of disclaimers, disclosures and certifications the research firm of investment bank Nomura Group attached to a Jan. 20 Federal Reserve report emailed to clients ran 2,578 words, including noting that opinions expressed in the email "are subject to change without notice." A Nomura spokesman said its disclosures and disclaimers "ensure the market has full transparency regarding our analysts' views and the nature of the work they undertake."

Some disclaimers warn of the potential dangers of the digital medium. "Internet communications are not assured to be secure or clear of inaccuracies as information could be intercepted, corrupted, lost, destroyed, arrive late or incomplete, or contain viruses," says a Baker & Hostetler LLP disclaimer, announcing that the law firm accepts no responsibility for "any errors or omissions" in emails or attachments. A spokeswoman for the firm declined to comment.

The staple email disclaimer from financial services firm Morgan Stanley alerts recipients that, among other things, contents of the message aren't intended to be advice "within the meaning of Section 975 of the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act." A Morgan Stanley spokesman, in an otherwise brief email capped off with the firm's 130-word disclaimer, declined to comment.

Some lawyers say the disclaimers have value, alerting someone who receives confidential, proprietary, or legally privileged information by accident that they don't have permission to take advantage of it.

Others, including lawyers whose email messages are laden with them, say the disclaimers are for the most part unenforceable. They argue that they don't create any kind of a contract between sender and recipient merely because they land in the recipient's inbox.

It's largely untested whether email disclaimers can hold up in court and at least one ruling on the matter was mixed.

Boilerplate language attached to every email dilutes the intention, some say. For instance, when every message from a sender's account is tagged with "privileged and confidential," it might make it difficult to convince a judge that any one email is more private than another.

"It gets harder and harder to argue you have a system in place to keep information confidential, but then you have your order from [Mexican restaurant] Chipotle marked as privileged," said James Merklinger, vice president of the Association of Corporate Counsel, a Washington-based trade group that represents members of corporate legal departments. Mr. Merklinger argues that many disclaimers are pointless, especially ones at the ends of emails ordering unintended recipients not to read the text that came before.

In a 2010 email about promotional pricing on membership fees from the New York Health & Racquet Club, a disclaimer said the message might be confidential. "If you have received this communication in error please immediately notify us by telephone." The message didn't include a phone number. A spokesman for the club said the missing phone number issue has been corrected, and the company uses the disclaimers as a precaution.

Several years ago, William L. Wilson sent a memo to other partners in his South Bend, Ind., law firm insisting they include a standard confidentiality disclaimer on every email. "As I began to think about it further I realized no one reads these things," said Mr. Wilson, who practices civil law. "I don't read them."

He has removed the disclaimer from his emails.

James Sinclair, 28, who recently graduated from law school and opened his own civil practice, said when he traded emails with other attorneys, his lack of a disclaimer made him feel inadequate. "It was like my emails were somehow less official," said Mr. Sinclair, who thinks disclaimers are legally insignificant and wrote a 636-word satirical one for the humor website McSweeney's.

Part of that version appears at the end of emails he sends.

"IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This email does not create an attorney-client relationship. Probably. If it does, it will have said it does…because the law is tricky like that," the disclaimer begins. "The sender also concedes that he is very, very stupid, and obviously should not be operating an electronic-mail machine without supervision."

Most people, he said, haven't noticed.

Write to Dionne Searcey at dionne.searcey@wsj.com and Michael Rothfeld atmichael.rothfeld@wsj.com

Israel passes new custody law to benefit children and parents

2012-01-21T04:58:00.001-08:00

http://www.israelnewsagency.com/childcustodybiasdiscriminationlawrepealedremovedisraelfamilycourtdivorceyaakovneemanschnitcommiitteejointchildrenunnaamatwizopasalienationfalsechildabusesocialworkersfathersjustice48012012.html

Divorce does not have to destroy your kids.

2012-01-18T06:23:00.001-08:00

Divorce Doesn't Have to Destroy Your Kids - Sound Guidelines for Parents - Part 2

11. Avoid using body language, facial expressions or other subtleties to express negative thoughts and emotions about the other parent. Your child can read you!

12. You can discuss your feelings with your children to the extent that they can understand them. But, if you let your child know that you are terrified of the future, your child will be terrified too. Instead, keep a balanced emotional perspective that focuses on the difference between feelings and facts.

13. Do not use your child as a courier for messages or money.

14. Support your child's right to visit their grandparents and extended family. Children benefit from knowing their roots and heritage. And, children love tradition. Extended family provides children with a sense of consistency, connection, and identity - especially during divorce. Remember neither extended family is better or worse - they are just different.

15. Avoid the urge to question your child or press him for information regarding the details of your co-parents personal or professional life.

16. Each parent must establish and maintain his or her own relationship with the children. Neither of you should act as a mediator between the children and the other parent. And, neither of you should act as the defense attorney, presenting a child's case to the other parent.

17. Be on time for pick-ups and drop-offs. Do not enter the other parent's home unless you are invited in.

18. Your child's relationship with his parents will influence his relationships for the rest of his life. Never put your child in a position where he has to choose between his parents or decide where his familial allegiances lie. Instead, allow him to love both parents without fear of angering or hurting the other.

19. Do not take it personally if your teenager prefers to be with his/her friends. Don't push, but remain available. If you feel rejected and back-off, your teen may feel rejected in return.

20. Expect that your children may feel confused, guilty, sad and/or abandoned in response to the divorce. Acknowledge their feelings as normal and remind them that even though the family is undergoing a major change, you and their Dad/Mom will always be their parents.

Elinor Robin, PhD is a Mediator and Mediation Trainer specializing in relationship conflicts. To learn more about Elinor visit her websitehttp://www.ElinorRobin.com. And, to learn more about her unique divorce mediation practice visit http://www.AFriendlyDivorce.com.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide^(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, coaching, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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My interview for child centered divorce month

2012-01-11T09:15:00.001-08:00

http://www.childcentereddivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/MN2124_01062012111143265_10864271.mp3

Collaborative Divorce

2012-01-04T05:51:00.001-08:00

COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE - WHAT'S THAT?

Top 10 Reasons to Recommend it

Collaborative Divorce is a brilliant, relatively unknown, but nevertheless available model of divorce, falling between the mediation and litigation models. To clarify, mediation is practiced by a neutral professional who isn't able to advise clients directly because a mediator must maintain neutrality.

In Collaborative Divorce, both spouses have their own attorney to advise them, but unlike litigation, the attorneys are bound by contract to negotiate a settlement without using the court system. The separation agreement is developed at a conference table with the participation of both clients. The other major difference in this new model is the use of a team, made up of two matrimonial attorneys, a neutral financial professional and divorce coaches

Financial Professionals serve an important role in Collaborative Divorce. He or she will act as a neutral expert for both parties, collecting and organizing the financial data from both spouses. The FP will interview the couple together to understand the financial picture. Once the information is organized, the FP will meet with both spouses and both lawyers to begin to separate assets. Financial Professionals may also provide support to the spouse who knows the least about the family finances. FPs help brainstorm options when decisions are being made and assist the lawyers in clarifying more complex financial issues

Divorce Coaches, who are licensed mental health professionals, teach clients how to divorce in a healthy respectful way and avoid doing unnecessary damage to their family. Coaches keep the children in mind during all discussions as they help clients work through inevitable communication snags. Coaches assist in developing a parenting plan, which outlines how each parent will spend time with the children. Words like custody and visitation are replaced by words like parenting plan and sharing time with the children. Neutral Child Specialists, who are usually child psychologists, may also be part of the team. They are engaged if there are particular problems regarding one or more of the children or if the parents' perspectives of the children are widely divergent.

TOP TEN REASONS TO RECOMMEND COLLABORATIVE DIVORC

1.      The well being of the children is considered the most important reason to collaborate, rather than the more competitive model of litigation.
2.      It's a gentler, more intelligent process where clients can design their agreement, with their lawyers' help, according to what works for their particular family.
3.      The process is private. This is particularly important to high-profile clients.
4.      The family is supported by a team of professionals, all of whom have had extensive training in mediation and the collaborative process as well as continuous ongoing training in a variety of related subjects.
5.      Problems that arise are addressed by the appropriately educated, experienced professional.
6.      It's less expensive to speak to the financial or divorce coach/mental health professional because of the efficacy of using the right person for the problem, and because the mental health and financial hourly rates are often less than the legal rates.
7.      Most divorce coaches will speak to clients outside regular office hours, if necessary. They help manage anxiety and upset.
8.      The Collaborative team is in touch regularly so transparency is the norm. This promotes concentration on what works for the family as a whole, rather than on individual concerns.
9.       Coaches educate parents on the pitfalls of divorce for children and offer them a wider perspective, cautioning against negativity towards the other parent.

10. The Collaborative model suggests looking at divorce as a problem to be solved, not a battle to be fought

The separation agreement that is developed by the clients and lawyers during the Collaborative process, with the input from the financial and mental health perspectives, is a comprehensive and personalized document that while never celebratory, brings a deeper sense of peace and structure as the marriage dissolves.

Micki McWade is a Collaborative Divorce Coach and psychotherapist in Mt. Kisco, NY and Manhattan. She serves on Board of Directors of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals and in the Hudson Valley Collaborative Divorce and Dispute Resolution Association. Her practice specializes in divorce and divorce recovery. See www.mickimcwade.com for contact information. You are welcome to email questions to mmcwade@mac.com.

Rosalind Sedacca, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook^(TM)Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, her free ezine, coaching services and other valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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Please sign my petition to Reform Federal and State Laws to help bring back dads

2011-12-21T16:30:00.001-08:00

http://www.change.org/petitions/federal-and-state-laws-to-bring-back-dads-into-kids-lives-reform-federal-state-laws-to-bring-back-dads

Make communication easier on your kids

2011-12-14T05:09:00.001-08:00

How Divorce Affects Your Children, Part 2

By Shelley Stile

What happens if your ex doesn't see things your way? What if he or she cannot let go of blame and resentment and anger? What do you do if you have done everything you know how to create a mutually respectful relationship and your ex still is extremely difficult and confrontational? In the end you cannot control someone else but you can control yourself. Be the bigger person. Show your children how to do the right thing. Accept the fact that your ex is who they are and figure out the most effective ways to deal with that fact.

Let me give you an example. For years I railed against my ex because he could never be on time to pick up the kids on his one weekday night with them. Our agreement said he should pick them up by 7pm at the latest so I made plans for myself based on that agreement. Never happened and I now understand that it probably never will. Sometimes he is on time but usually not. I tried to control the situation but all it did was make me angry and frustrated. Worse still, my daughter revealed that she felt like a burden because I was always complaining about not being able to adhere to my night out's schedule.

So I accepted reality and instead always made certain that I had coverage should he be late. I also attempted to have my plans start as late as possible just in case. It was so much easier than fighting a lost cause and it protected my daughter's feelings and self-esteem. In the end, it was not such a big deal. I gave up being right because the price to pay was far too high.

Here's another challenge for you when dealing with your ex: thank them when they do what's right. Apologize if you make say something hurtful or don't honor an agreement. Everyone wants to feel respected. It goes against how we may be feeling but this has to do with creating an environment that will gift your children with peace.

There are indeed strategies that you can adopt in dealing with your children. Always ensure that your kids know that the divorce has nothing to do with them and isn't their fault. To do so you must be honest to a certain degree in an age appropriate manner. Confide in them but stay away from any adult themed moral issues. Remind them that Mom and Dad are still Mom and Dad and that will never change. Always ensure that they feel loved and safe and secure. Don't criticize your ex in front of the kids because then they will feel guilt about loving their parent. Don't force them to make choices and decisions that will put them in a position of choosing between one or the other parent.

Did I do all this? I am sorry to say I did not. I was very angry and resentful and all too often I let those emotions run the show. I have lived and learned. It is a never- ending process. Just recently I called my ex to see if we could repair a misunderstanding for the sake of our wonderful kids. What I have learned is that our emotions hijack us and we say and do things that we know are wrong, albeit after the explosion. If I could do anything differently, it would be to use the skills I now impart to my clients on controlling emotional reactive behavior.

Start becoming more aware of your body's cues as to when you are heading into your danger zone of emotional reactivity. Catch yourself before you react and walk away. Take a few minutes to do some deep breathing and get your body and mind back into a rational mode. Perhaps you need to go take a ten-minute walk. Walk away when you become emotional because you are only heading for trouble. When you have returned to a state of equilibrium then and only then decide on the best way to handle the situation.

Parenting is life long process. You may not see the rewards of your sacrifices today or even in the next few years but they will come sooner or later. Usually later. If you think that you have made some mistakes, clean up the mess. Let your kids know that you have learned a great deal and are the wiser for it today. They will come to know in their own time that life does not always go as planned and our experiences hold hidden treasures.

Divorce Coach Shelley Stile can be reached at shelleystile@mac.com.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching, valuable resource or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
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Tantrum Tamer: New Ways Parents Can Stop Bad Behavior

2011-11-08T08:45:00.001-08:00

IN THE LAB
NOVEMBER 8, 2011

Tantrum Tamer: New Ways Parents Can Stop Bad Behavior

By SHIRLEY S. WANG

Before, During and After the Storm

Here are some tips that can help create lasting changes in a child's behavior:

Point out other children exhibiting a desired behavior. 'See how nicely that boy is sharing.' Don't add, 'Why can't you?'
Firmly phrase instructions in terms of what to do, instead of what not to do.
In case of a temper tantrum, remain calm. Describe the behavior. 'You are pretending you don't hear me when I say it's time to go.
Praise reasonable reactions, muted tantrums or any efforts at self-control.
State which behavior is being praised. 'I asked you to pick up the toys, and you did.'
As much as possible, ignore negative behaviors. Don't communicate desperation or beg.
Model the behavior you want your child to exhibit.
Don't give up. Some behaviors can take months for a child to master.

The therapists commended the mother for not jumping in to play every time her daughter wanted her to. It was an encouraging session, but there was more work to do, the therapists said. The daughter stayed off her mother's lap for most of the 15 minutes.

In some cases, the techniques can seem counterintuitive. A child who screams and breaks household objects when angry may have to be praised first for screaming but not throwing things.

Parents would teach this by playing a game of let's-pretend-you-have-a-tantrum-but-you-don't-throw-things. Eventually, with practice, the child will learn to express frustration at a normal volume.

Often, events leading up to a tantrum are critical to whether the tantrum actually takes place, research shows. Parents can set up good behavior by being firm, but also offering a choice. Say, "It's time to put on your jacket now. Please choose your red one or green one."

Sometimes, a small change in tone is enough. A family recently showed up at the Yale clinic, desperate for their son to be potty trained. The parents had showed him how to do it, and they had talked about why he should do it. They set up a chart to reward him with points or ice cream. The boy had used the toilet twice in six months but otherwise refused.

The parents needed to get rid of their tone of desperation, Dr. Kazdin says. Instead of begging, they were instructed to say, "You don't have to go to the toilet. When you're bigger, you'll get it."

The next day, the child began to use the toilet regularly, Dr. Kazdin recalls, and the parents were stunned. "There's no magic there," he says. In this case, the child already knew how to use the toilet. There was just something in the way the parents were setting up the situation that led him to refuse. The child was rebelling.

It's unclear, Dr. Kazdin says, why certain children and not others respond to parental eagerness and pressure in this way. But the pattern is fairly common at the clinic, he says.

In clinics for children whose behavioral problems are severe—which often means they are having trouble in school or carrying out other regular activities—parents are coached extensively. Clinicians find that even subtle differences in the parents' behaviors can lead to remarkable changes in the child's, Dr. Kazdin says.

Write to Shirley S. Wang at shirley.wang@wsj.com

Lack of professionalism can sink an interview

2011-11-07T11:17:00.001-08:00

C

October 30, 2011|By Patricia Hunt Sinacole, Globe Correspondent

Q.I am a manager of a small information technology team. I am disgusted at how unprofessional many candidates are when supposedly they are interested in a new job. Candidates don’t dress appropriately. Their answers are filled with “you know’’ or “like’’ or other slang terms. I had one candidate refer to me as “dude’’ in our interview. Here I am ready to hire and I can’t find anyone who understands basic professional decorum. No one sends a grammatically correct thank-you note. I won’t even mention the texting, checking their phones, etc. Do you see this as frequently as I do? I don’t feel it is my job to coach candidates on how to behave professionally.

A. I can sense your frustration as a hiring manager. Let me try to offer some advice to job candidates.

Dress the part and then some. Dress not for the role for which you are interviewing. Dress like the hiring manager. It is better to be overdressed than underdressed. No wrinkly shirts or pants. Good hygiene. Get a haircut. Brush your teeth. Look professional, presentable, and enthusiastic.

Have a trusted colleague or family member ask you sample interview questions. Be careful of the crutches many of us use. The “you know’’ is a common one. “Dude’’ is definitely not a noun that should be used to address a hiring manager, ever.

Thank-you notes are a must. Make sure the note is polished and crisp. In some companies, an e-mailed thank-you note is fine. For more formal companies, I would suggest a typewritten, mailed thank-you note.

Keep your phone out of sight and silent. No one should even know you have a phone with you.

Always ask about follow-up before ending an interview. An example: “Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me today about the IT specialist role. I am very interested in this role. What are the next steps? How should I follow up with you?’’

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Fatherhood Study

2011-10-27T08:51:00.001-07:00

BODY & MIND - HEALTH

The Evolution of Dad: From Breadwinner to Diaper Changer

By Laurie Tarkan

Published October 27, 2011

| FoxNews.com

Men no longer feel their main job as a father is to be a breadwinner. Most fathers today see their role as an equal balance between breadwinner and caregiver—someone who is there physically, not just financially—for their kids.

That doesn’t mean they’re picking up equal slack on child-rearing chores (they still lag on that front). But how they define themselves as men and fathers has dramatically shifted, according to a new survey.

The survey, conducted by researchers at Boston College’s Center for Work and Family, questioned nearly 1,000 white-collar fathers who worked in large corporations.

Lead author Brad Harrington and his co-authors found that the majority of men had high aspirations for their careers, but in spite of that, did not think their work defined them as men or as fathers.

Here are the most eye-opening findings:
•Almost 70 percent of the fathers saw their responsibilities to their children as both caring for them and earning money to support them. The majority of men said that being a father means “paying attention, nurturing, listening, mentoring, coaching and most of all, being present,” the authors wrote.

•Two-thirds of fathers agreed with the statement “To me, my work is only a small part of who I am.” In the past, men were frowned upon as not high-achieving if they took time off of work for family responsibilities, but this study found that today two-thirds of respondents did not hold this opinion.

•Fathers that rejected traditional breadwinning definitions of fatherhood felt more confident as a parent and spent more time with their children on a typical working day.

•Many dads said they would switch roles with their stay-at-home wives if it were financially feasible. About 53 percent said they would feel OK if they didn’t work outside of the home, provided that their spouse earned enough money for the family to live comfortably.

The report, however, found that the corporate culture is not shifting at the same speed as the ideals of their workers.

A man’s desire to be a hands-on dad was hampered by his work schedule and demands. Very few fathers took more than two weeks off after the birth of a child, though many men said they wished they could have. Men did use flexible work hours or telecommuting but in an informal, almost secretive way.

“It may suggest that fathers are more comfortable using flexibility in a subtle or ‘stealth’ fashion in order to avoid any negative organizational implications,” wrote Harrington. And nearly everyone said that if looking for a new job, they would consider how much the position would interfere with their time with their children.

The authors made several suggestions for men:
1. Take more time off after the birth of your children. “Fathers who take more time off early in their child’s life will have a higher likelihood of being a hands-on caregiver than fathers who do not,” wrote Harrington.

2. Support all fathers. If you’re in a managerial position, support your employees’ efforts to juggle work and home responsibilities. Since men are still the majority in management positions and they created much of the corporate culture that exists today, it’s in their power to change it.

“Men can either reinforce ‘macho stereotypes’ (for example, only those who work excessive hours are truly committed) that make it difficult for women and men to be effective parents, or they [can] change the norms and recognize individuals’ work and family responsibilities,” the authors wrote.

Getting back with an alienated child

2011-10-24T05:34:00.001-07:00

Debsen

Level 4 Member

Points: 5960

Journal

Reuniting After Parental Alienation? Be Careful.

Saturday, October 22, 2011, 4:06 PM [General]

Reuniting with a minor child after experiencing parental alienation is a dream come true, a prayer answered, and a huge, huge challenge. Why? You may not understand how deeply parental alienation changes things between a parent and child.

Parental alienation is different from a short-term problem, behavioral difficulties, or a temporary, but unwanted, separation between a loving parent and child. Some have termed parental alienation a type of child abuse because the child experiences a deep and strongly felt negative (but unjustified) change in their belief about a parent the child was once close to and loved very much. You might wonder if it is even possible for someone to disrupt a close, loving relationship between a parent and child. The answer is yes..

If you are the targeted parent and you are blessed enough to have a chance to re-establish regular contact with your child or have your child return to living with you, be very careful as your create goals and expectations for that reunion

. Some things to keep in mind:

Your child is not the same person they were before they were subject to parental alienation. Losing the love and closeness of a parent due to re-programming and brainwashing is very traumatic to a child -- even if the child seems to support the falsehoods they have been taught. The child’s ability to trust is deeply wounded. An unnatural, unhealthy dependence upon the alienating parent is created. Even if the child begins to resist or resent the brainwashing forced upon them, they are no longer certain they can emotionally “return” to the targeted parent, so the child retains many of the false, alienating beliefs forced upon them.

If you were the targeted parent, it is very likely you have a different lifestyle, belief system, or way of life compared to the alienating parent. Your child must now make a major adjustment to your new routines. Anger and negativity are addictive. If you have managed to take the high road and avoid speaking and acting negatively about your former spouse or partner, your child may find it odd that name-calling, overtly hostile actions, and “bashing” are not a part of your regular conversations and discussions. You may appear “weak” because you ignore rather than engage in “trash-talking” and the like.

Depending upon how long you were away from your child, it may take years for your child to learn new ways of being in the world. If the alienating parent had control of your child during key, character-forming years, you may have to accept that the person you once knew is gone and may not return. Be open to beginning again. Be open to knowing this “new” person.

At the same time, allow yourself to grieve the loss of time and shared experiences. Sometimes targeted parents spend immense amounts of time and energy on “getting their child back” only to find the person you reunite with is not the person you once knew. Your child may have no interest in recreating themselves in the image you remember. Get help from a counselor, a knowledgeable person, or a trusted, listening friend. Don’t try to go it alone.

If your child has returned to you because of court action, illegal behavior of the alienating parent, or a similar circumstance, your child may not have wanted to leave the home to which they’d become accustomed. Your child may feel angry about living with the person they hated or disrespected. Your authority may be challenged because your child has been taught you are not worthy of respect, courtesy, or obedience. Be prepared for the fact that this reunion may have a different meaning for your child than for you. Allow time for you and your child and other family members to re-integrate your lives.

Getting your child back is a blessing, despite the difficulties that may accompany the return. Be prepared and prayerful as you begin another chapter with your child. Ask God for help, insight, and courage. Accept that you may no longer have the relationship that once existed, but it is possible to have a relationship worth sharing.

Public speaking advice

2011-10-19T13:05:00.001-07:00

ublished: Wednesday, 19 Oct 2011 | 9:34 AM ET

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By: Paul Hellman

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1) STEP UP to the front of the room, as if delighted to be there.

CNBC.com

You can better your presentation skills by doing what Jerry does.

I remember watching Jerry Seinfeld perform at the peak of his stand-up career.

His entrance—even before he said a word—made a strong impression.

He dashed onto the stage.

He looked like he couldn't wait to get started. Or else he was being chased.

Either way, his excitement was contagious.

2) STEP AWAY from the podium.

Sure, it feels safe to stand behind the podium. Everyone does it—why be different?

Simple: different captures attention.

And there's something else: we've all seen those crime shows where the police try to get the suspect out of the car or out the house, into plain sight.

Imagine the police are in your audience. You're the suspect.

One cop has a bullhorn: “Move away from that podium,” he commands, “before someone gets hurt.”

You, of course, are standing behind the podium precisely because you don’t want to get hurt. The podium feels like a fortress.

But your audience needs to see you because, like the police, the more they see, the more they trust.

3) STEP INTO a question.

Paul HellmanFounder
Express Potential

One step forward—that’s all it takes to project confidence. Step back and you look fearful, like you’re retreating.

The only time you might want to step back is when the question is completely inappropriate. By moving away, intentionally, you say, "Sorry, I'm not going anywhere near that one."

But most questions deserve to be welcomed. Step forward.

4) STEP INTO the audience.

It was the 1996 Republican national convention. Elizabeth Dole was the speaker.

Suddenly, she "descended the twelve platform steps in high heels" to interact with a startled audience (“Elizabeth Hanford Dole: Speaking from the Heart,” Wertheimer and Gutgold).

Note to men: High heels are optional. Dole could have worn flip-flops, it still would have been riveting. Why? Because it was different.

5) STEP TO THE SIDE to spark audience discussion.

Just because you’re the speaker, doesn’t mean you need to answer every question, or participate in every exchange.

Toss a question out to the audience; once they engage, move out of the way. “Talk amongst yourselves,” your positioning says.

Then, when you’re ready, step back in and take charge.

Tip: Presenting your ideas is a physical act. To move your audience—move.

How fatherhood changes men

2011-10-19T11:26:00.001-07:00


	Father For Life: A Journey of Joy, Challenge, and Change by Armin Brott


	Throwaway Dads: The Myths and Barriers That Keep Men from Being the Fathers They Want to Be by Armin Brott

HOW FATHERHOOD CHANGES MEN:

Q: People always say that life will never be the same after having a child. How, exactly, does becoming a father change a man?

A: There's an old saying in the Talmud that a man has three names: the one his parents gave him at birth, the one that others call him, and the one he calls himself. A person's identity, according to the rabbis, is a rather amorphous thing. What the rabbis don't talk about is that all three of those names are subject to change over time-especially the one you give yourself. So who are you these days? The same person you were a few years ago? Probably not. And one of the biggest reasons you're not is that being a father has changed you.

Over a period of nearly two years, University of California'Berkeley researchers Phil and Carolyn Cowan asked a large number of men to draw a circle and divide it up into sections that reflected how important each aspect of their life felt-not the amount of time in the role. Over the study period, childless men showed a significant increase in the "partner/lover" aspect. But young fathers were squeezing "partner/lover" into a smaller space to accommodate the significant increase in the "parent" piece of the pie.

As the parenting pie grows, other things happen too. Here are a number of ways that the men in my survey (and several other studies as well) said fatherhood changed them:

Confidence and pride. Having a close relationship with your child helps build his confidence and self-esteem. It also helps build yours. Being able to stop your child's tears, making him laugh, or knowing how much he idolizes you can make you feel incredibly competent, and the pride you feel when you see all the great things he can do becomes confirmation that you're doing pretty well at this whole fathering thing. For a while, at least, your child is going to share all your tastes-in music, literature, movies, art, career, politics, and food (as long is it's not too spicy). A lot of these things will change as your child grows up. But I can hardly describe the feeling of pride I get when my kids start discussing Hitchcock movies with my adult friends, belt out a few Janis Joplin lyrics, or pop in a CD of Elgar's cello concerto while they're doing their homework. But beware. Confidence and pride are often made of pretty thin veneer: any misbehavior-especially public-can suddenly make you feel you feel as though you've failed as a father.
Patience-and a better sense of humor. Things are going to go wrong, whether you like it or not, and you have two choices: take everything seriously and try to change the world, or roll with it and laugh. Learning to laugh at yourself can rub off in other areas and might make you more understanding of the mistakes other people make.
Flexible thinking. At this point it's almost impossible to tell the difference between your child's needs, your needs, and your partner's needs. In a perfect world they'd mutually reinforce one another. But on this planet, these needs "are to varying degrees in opposition, imposing frustrations and sorrows and forcing mutual adaptation," says the Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry (GAP). As you get more experienced as a parent, your ability to prepare for the future and come up with contingency plans will grow. You'll also learn the incredibly valuable skill of being able to see a variety of different points of view at the same time. For example, most new couples say that having children brought them closer together. At the same time, though, they say that labor around the house has been divided along traditional lines.
Return to childhood. Having kids gives you a great opportunity to reread all those great books from when you were a kid and disappear back into the world of King Arthur and the Hobbit. It also gives you a rare chance to say words like "poop" and "pee" in public again.
Creativity. A lot of parents suddenly get inspired to create. A. A. Milne (who wrote the Winnie the Pooh books) and J. K. Rowling (of Harry Potter fame) are just two who wrote for their kids. If you're giving your kids music or art lessons, you might develop a talent you never thought you had or rediscover the urge to perform at school talent shows.
Reordering priorities. Having kids contributes to a heightened awareness of other's perspectives, says researcher Rob Palkovitz. A lot of guys admit that they were somewhat selfish and self-centered before having kids. This isn't necessarily a negative thing; it's simply an acknowledgment that having people depend on you and putting their needs before your own isn't something that comes naturally to most people before they become parents. What's especially interesting is that, according to Palkovitz, getting married didn't trigger this same realization.
Changing values. Becoming a father will make you take a long, hard look at your fundamental beliefs and values. Things you may have thought were harmless when you were younger, such as not caring about money or material possessions, promiscuous sex, and even smoking a little dope, look completely different now that you've got a family to support. You'll start seeing the world in different terms. You may have thought about issues like pollution, terrorism, energy policy, Latin American debt, homelessness, AIDS, poverty, and even cloth vs. disposable diapers before, but now, instead of being abstract things that happen to other people, they're possible threats to your child and your family.

Having children will also help you clarify a lot of your beliefs. Teaching your child to say that the guy you didn't vote for in the last election is a jerk is one thing. But try explaining to your child-in terms he can understand-what war is, what the death penalty is, why some people are rich while others live on the street. You might find yourself changing your mind about a few things now that they might affect your family.

Interestingly, older fathers report doing less soul-searching than younger fathers. The older guys come into fatherhood feeling more mature and having had more of a chance to hone their philosophy of life.

Suicide and divorced men The public health crisis

2011-10-19T06:09:00.001-07:00

Suicide Rate Greater Among Divorced Men, Research Finds

By Katie Drummond

AOL News -- American men are four times more likely than women to take their own lives. It's a troubling phenomenon, rooted in such factors as genetics, upbringing and even career choice. But a growing body of research suggests that divorce is one of the major culprits in suicides among adult males.

Women, however, seem immune to the stress and sadness that can be wrought by the end of a marriage.

Dr. Justin Denney, a sociologist at the University of Colorado, is studying the relationship between family structure and suicide rates. He's using national data collected on over 1 million people, and their households, to pinpoint how family dynamics can precipitate, or protect against, suicide mortality.

Denney's research is the first to examine so many cases at a national level, but experts have been aware of the link between divorce and men's suicide risk for decades. According to a compilation of research published by JRank and confirmed by Denney, suicide rates are higher among divorced men, and lowest among those still married. Single men fall somewhere in between.

The impact of divorce on suicide is so strong, it can even be gleaned from international comparisons. Among industrialized nations, those with the highest divorce rates also have the highest suicide rates.

For example, a 2008 study out of the U.K. concluded that suicide and divorce rates saw parallel increases and a simultaneous peak in the late 1990s. Suicides then dropped while divorces did not, likely because of more intervention among teenage boys, the researchers speculated.

But divorce also tends to crop up more in regions that are susceptible to alcoholism, drug abuse and widespread migratory tendencies -- oil and gas boom towns, for example. So suicide rates might be less about divorce, and more about a confluence of precipitating factors -- factors that are clearly taking a greater toll on men, who account for 79 percent of the 32,000 suicides in 2005.

Denney's research, published last year in Social Science Quarterly, concluded that men who are divorced are 39 percent more likely to commit suicide than those still married. The difference increases to 50 percent when a man is a widow.

Among women, differences in suicide risk among those who were married, divorced or widowed were statistically insignificant.

Health experts remain unsure of the specific reason for the widespread incongruity, but Denney suspects that marriage offers a support system for men that's uniquely beneficial.

"Maybe they forge a relationship and a reliance on their partner that's specific to that relationship," he told AOL News. "Much as marriage is important to women, it just doesn't seem to be the driving factor."

Other research has already shown that married men enjoy major health benefits, including a boost to longevity and a decreased risk of smoking or alcohol and drug abuse. "Married men don't engage in the same risky behaviors," Denney said. "That stability could be a further protective factor."

And while married women often balance employment with child rearing, Denney said statistics suggest they're coping quite well. "Women remain the primary caretakers in most households," he said. "They're working more, yet feeling better."

That might be what explains a divorced or widowed woman's relatively low suicide risk. Denney's subsequent research, published in February's Journal of Marriage and Family, concluded that children offered a major protective effect against suicide. For each additional child in a household, adults were 6 percent less likely to commit suicide.

Denney's latest research, which has yet to be published, indicates that this protective effect is even more significant among women, whether married, divorced or widowed.

"Closer relationships with children mean more connections with people outside of themselves," he said. "It's enough to distinguish women from men when we're talking about suicide and family structure."

Preventive efforts already treat isolation as one risk factor for suicide, and Denney wants that broadened to incorporate marital status. For now, though, more study on the protective benefits of marriage is needed.

"This remains a neglected area," he said. "But more and more, there seems to be a connection between living arrangements and the risks they entail for one's life."

Steve Jobs about being a dad

2011-10-09T06:20:00.001-07:00

“Steve made choices,” Dr. Ornish said. “I once asked him if he was glad that he had kids, and he said, ‘It’s 10,000 times better than anything I’ve ever done.

Honey I am home.

2011-10-04T11:19:00.001-07:00

OCTOBER 4, 2011

Putting the Honey Back in 'Honey, I'm Home'

By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN
LIKE THIS COLUMNIST

The Witching Hour: Rules of Engagement

Here are tips for minimizing confict when you are desperate to unwind yet still thinking about work.

Get some closure on your workday. Organize your desk or make a to-do list for tomorrow. On the way home, listen to music, take a walk or go to the gym. 'It's your responsibility to decompress so it's not an emotionally-laden situation,' says Lynda Veto, a Princeton, N.J., psychologist.
Put a smile on your face. Envision the doorway of your home as a magical threshold where you let go of your stress before entering. Remember that you are lucky to have people who love you on the other side of the door. 'Remember that it's not all about you,' Dr. Veto says.
Figure out which tasks you and your partner each are good at, or enjoy, and divide up afterwork chores accordingly.
Set aside time to talk with your partner—not dump—about your day. Recognize that you each have emotional needs at this time. Consider waiting until you each have had time to decompress. Setting a time limit on talk about stressful work issues is a good idea, too.
Practice active listening. Let your partner talk; then, before reacting, paraphrase what she said to make sure you understood. Then reverse roles. Sometimes listening is all that is needed.
A glass of wine, or a nice cup of tea, may help.

"It's a selfish time of day," says Mr. MacKenzie, director of technology resources for a tech company. "It's hard to be there for each other when you need time for yourself."

"It's frustrating that I feel the need to vent and the timing is not good for him," says Ms. MacKenzie, 40, a sales manager for a liquor supplier.

Once upon a time, wives met husbands at the door with slippers and a martini. I'm guessing that hasn't happened in your house recently. We're more stressed than ever about work. And the line between work and home is disappearing thanks to gadgets that keep us tethered to our jobs.

Each partner in a couple comes home with expectations of how the other should behave. Some people want their partner to listen; others want to be left alone. Women tend to manage stress and other feelings with the help of their relationships—they like to come home and talk to their partners about details of their day, experts say. Men typically prefer to deal with worry or anxiety by themselves.

The term "stress spillover," refers to when stress from external sources leaches into a relationship. In an ongoing longitudinal study of 300 couples in the first five years of marriage, researchers at the dating site eHarmony, found that relationship satisfaction declines when an individual talks about a bad event with a partner who isn't supportive. And the couple is more likely to argue the next day. If the partner is supportive, the study found, relationship satisfaction stays steady and the couple is less likely to argue.

Gian Gonzaga, psychologist and senior director of research and development for eHarmony, in Santa Monica, Calif., says, "If your normal response to your partner is to not be supportive, over 20 years that will become a really big problem."

On the other hand, sharing a good event with your partner makes you happier in the relationship, regardless of the partner's reaction, and if the partner responds well you are less likely to argue. What's more, you become more likely to share something positive in the future, and less likely to talk about bad events. "It makes your relationship better and you better," Dr. Gonzaga says.

After work, couples face steep odds. A recent Cornell University study of English-language messages posted on the social media site Twitter tracked positive and negative words in the messages of about 2.4 million people and found posts generally were most positive in the morning and more negative in the mid- to late-afternoon, gradually getting more positive as the evening went on.

The time when couples get home from work. He needs to decompress, she wants to talk about her day. Elizabeth Bernstein on Lunch Break looks at how to navigate the witching 20 minutes after you walk through the front door.

John Rubino, 47, likes to cook, but soon after he and Doug Dorton, 41, moved in together several years ago, dinner became a problem. Mr. Dorton, a detail-focused project manager at a large Seattle software company, sliced and diced meticulously—a little too meticulously for Mr. Rubino, president of a marketing agency who manages 45 employees. Mr. Rubino would often watch over Mr. Dorton's shoulder, urging him to hurry up. Meanwhile, the dog would whine for attention and toss his toy at them. By the time dinner was ready, the two weren't talking. "It wasn't relaxing or enjoyable or the quality time we were supposed to be having," Mr. Dorton says.

Now, Mr. Dorton sets the table and cleans up—but while Mr. Rubino is cooking, he takes the dog to the basement to play. When they sit down to dinner, they are ready to catch up with each other. "People say you should participate in activities together, but there is a time and a place for it," Mr. Dorton says.

The MacKenzies' solution was a man cave in their Eatontown, N.J., home. Mr. MacKenzie heads to the spare bedroom after work to watch TV and leave as many empty soda cans as he likes. Ms. MacKenzie decompresses with her blog, The Hubby Diaries, and sees humor in the arguments they sometimes have.

Scott Wetzler, psychologist and vice chairman of behavioral health at Montefiore Medical Center, in Bronx, N.Y., recommends the "speaker-listener technique": One person speaks, and the other listens without interrupting, then paraphrases what the first one said and replies. Then the partners switch.

"It teaches listening, which in my opinion is harder than talking," Dr. Wetzler says.

Early in her marriage, Lynda Veto, a Princeton, N.J., psychologist, worked at a hospice program and found the job gratifying. In the evenings, she says, she would tell her then-husband about her patients and he would become testy. The marriage eventually ended in divorce.

Dr. Veto says she has found another way to decompress. She learned to bake, which gives her quiet time to think about the day. "Don't assume you can dump on someone just because they married you," she says.

—Email Elizabeth Bernstein at bonds@wsj.com or follow her column atwww.Facebook.com/EBernsteinWSJ

Boston Globe G Who's your daddy

2011-09-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

After reading the Boston Globe G story of September 15th by Linda Matchan, "Who's your daddy?, I kept wondering whether Seisler being a dad to over 70 kids is a mitzvah or something horrible.

On one hand, having children can be one of our greatest gifts and greatest pleasures. But on the other hand, for most of the children of sperm donors they are relegated to a life of growing up without a dad and for the most cases wondering about their dads. Now Ben Seisler must have a big heart and his kids might be lucky to know him. That being said, 70 kids is a lot to stay close to.

On the other hand, there is no way Seisler nor any other sperm donor who comes forward or not can be the kind of parent that most children need. Second, if Mr. Seisler had an unknown genetic health defect, the thought that he has now passed it onto over 70 kids, in many ways, is criminal.

Finally, some surrogate male donors are now being hit up for Child Support. Can anyone imagine having to pay child support for 70 kids. That might even make Warren Buffet cringe.

Kids really do benefit from a mother and a father in their life. With 41% of all new births to unwed mothers, maybe it is time we consider making traditional families something for all to look forward to and strive for. Lets make being a real dad a good thing again.

http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/family/articles/2011/09/15/sperm_donor_has_75_kids_and_counting/
Dr. Peter G Hill
687 Wellesley Street
Weston, MA 02493
781-325-1848
peterg.hill@communicationhelper.com
www.chirohill.com

What a dad meant to a 9/11 kid who lost hers on that fateful day

2011-09-09T06:03:00.001-07:00

Growing up without a father after 9/11
Tiffany Ramsaroop has spent the last decade growing from a third-grader to a college freshman. Yet at every milestone there has been a hole where her dad should have been.

Tiffany Ramsaroop, 18, was a third-grader when her father, a World Trade Center maintenance worker, died. Sister Kimberly, now 10, was just a baby. Every milestone brings a reminder of his absence, Tiffany says. (Carolyn Cole, Los Angeles Times / September 9, 2011)

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I ’ll never forget all of the children sitting on the curb of sidewalks.”
— Rodney Saucier

By Geraldine Baum and Faye Fiore, Los Angeles Times
September 9, 2011
Reporting from New York— Every morning, Tiffany Ramsaroop wakes up to a picture of her dad. It's tacked in the middle of a bulletin board in her lavender bedroom.

Vishnoo Ramsaroop died 10 years ago in the south tower of the World Trade Center. He was a maintenance worker who supported a wife and three girls on $43,000 a year.

Tiffany, his oldest, was 8 when it happened. It was two years before she stopped believing he got hit in the head by debris and would stroll through the door having recovered from amnesia. Two more passed before she really cried.

Tiffany has walked the terrible line of people in grief, trying to move forward without forgetting. At 15, she flew to his nativeTrinidad and let his accent wash over her. His starched work shirt with his name ironed on the back of the collar hangs in her closet between the dresses and blouses. She put it on once, but doesn't want to talk about that.

When she turned 18 this summer, her first act as an adult was to have her father's name tattooed on the inside of her left wrist. "Vishnoo" takes up almost the entire space, in elaborate script, black as night.

The nation is preparing to commemorate the attacks Sunday. Tiffany won't be in Lower Manhattan that morning. The reminder is just too much.

America spent the last decade fighting two wars and thinking up ways to keep itself safe. Tiffany spent those years growing from a third-grader in a starched green plaid uniform to a college freshman impatient for new experiences. Yet at every milestone, at every family event, and in some part of almost every day since Sept. 11, 2001, there was a hole where her dad should have been.

That Tuesday, 3,052 children lost a parent in the terrorist attacks. The average age was 9. They came from wealth and from poverty and from countries around the world. This is one child's story.

This week Tiffany is attending her first classes at Queensborough Community College, not far from where she grew up. She is finding her way, asserting new independence. Her mother wanted to drive her the first day; she wanted to go it alone by bus.

Yet still she is bound to her family. It was Tiffany who accompanied her sister to freshman orientation at high school this week and who was at her bedside as she recovered from surgery last month. It was Tiffany who offered part of her earnings this summer to help her mother with bills.

Some day she would like to become a family therapist to make sure others have "the big conversations we didn't have about stuff."

The 10 years getting to this point have been filled with spaces and voids. During her high school graduation in June, she could almost see her father there.

"Ugggghhh…. At every single event I went to I wished my dad was there, holding up the camcorder, waving as soon as I saw him," she says, rubbing her freshly tattooed wrist. "It really sucks when you go to high school graduation and you see your best friend running toward her father."

Tiffany lives in a two-family house on a tight lot in a part of Queens called Jackson Heights, about two miles from LaGuardia Airport. The postage-stamp-sized front yard is overgrown with vegetables. When her father tended it, she remembers it being full of flowers.

These days the house is full of females — Tiffany lives there with her sisters, Ashley, 15, and Kimberly, 10, and Sita, their mother. Sita, 51, has two daughters from a previous relationship and two granddaughters, ages 4 and 3, who are almost always there scampering across the couches and into Tiffany's lap.

Ten pairs of worn fluffy slippers dot the stairs leading to a basement warren of bedrooms where the girls sleep. Tiffany's double bed fills practically all the space in her room. A narrow bureau is crowded with polish and makeup as well as a photograph of Tiffany wearing a strapless white satin dress and lighting a cake with 16 candles.

This is the same house Vishnoo, 45, left that morning, when the family piled into the minivan to drop him at the subway and then Tiffany and Ashley at PS 148. It should have been an exciting day in Miss Syed's class; about all Tiffany remembers is that her uniform was new. Then everyone else's parents came early to pick them up; her mother waited until school let out.

"I went to the car and my mom was crying and I said, 'What's wrong?' And she said, 'I'll show you when I get home.' I sat down on the couch and my mom put the TV on.... I didn't know what to say. All I could say was, 'Is Dad OK?'"

Tiffany remembers her father's job as a "gardener" who planted hibiscus and greenery around the trade center's vast plazas. It was the first work he got after he came to America and he did it for 17 years. When Tiffany didn't have school he took her to work with him. Even intact the towers were tall and scary; Tiffany stayed away from the windows. So when it was explained to her where he was that day she could clearly picture it.

Tiffany's father happened to be on the 35th floor in the south tower when the north tower was hit. He went up to the 56th floor for a better view. The last time anyone saw him he was waiting by an elevator bank to get down.

Then he was gone. No confirmation other than his absence. No remains. At first, believing might have been the hardest part for Tiffany. Hadn't her dad surprised his girls by taking them to the movies just the week before to see "Rat Race" and then let them sneak into "Rush Hour 2"? "Two movies in one day," they rejoiced to their mother that night.

He was always full of wonderful surprises. What about the time he packed a lunch and their bathing suits and plucked a sleeping Tiffany and her sister out of bed? They woke up in the parking lot of Six Flags in New Jersey. This had to be another one of his little pranks, like the way he threatened to eat up baby Kimberly, so sweet he called her "Candy." "No! You can't eat her!" the girls would squeal.

Day after day, while their mother searched hospitals, Tiffany sat on the front steps with Ashley, two little girls with pink Power Rangers, waiting for Dad to come home.

The first anniversary rolled around and Tiffany went happily along with her cousins to the ceremony at ground zero. She was 9, what else was she going to do? It was windy, and everybody said the dust of the deceased was swirling around. She didn't really connect.

"You know when you're a little kid, you don't have as much emotions? I felt like when I was younger I trapped my feelings in too much," Tiffany says.

Sita said it took two years before she could convince her daughters that their father wasn't coming home. Sometimes she wonders whether cancer or a car accident might have been easier for her girls to comprehend. "The way he go, it's like the earth opened and just take him away from them."

That's how it is for a lot of Sept. 11 children, nothing to take through the rituals of grief. Mental health experts call this "ambiguous loss."

The family buried an empty box at a cemetery off Queens Boulevard. Sita doesn't like to go; it holds no meaning. Now that she can drive, Tiffany takes her sisters on Valentine's Day and on her father'sbirthday and invites close friends to visit with her.

Moving on is complicated for children whose grief stems from an event so public; every anniversary, magazine covers and television specials can pull them backward.

"There are going to be more than 40 shows on TV about 9/11 just for this anniversary, so you can't avoid it," said Fran Furman, director of counseling at Tuesday's Children, a support group that has worked with nearly 6,000 members of Sept. 11 families. "Every time they show pictures of the towers exploding, our children and families look at that and say, 'My loved one is in that building.'"

Around age 12, on the cusp of adolescence, the dam broke for Tiffany. Vishnoo's only brother visited from Canada, and when he came through the door, she saw the spitting image of her father. That was the moment she realized he was never coming home. She cried and cried.

"It hurt me really badly," she says, sitting on a back porch cluttered with plants and furniture.

Time is supposed to heal, but it seemed only to fill Tiffany with questions: Who would walk her down the aisle? Who would fix her car when it broke down? Already, the family had stopped eating dinner together; without Dad to call them all to the table, they just took a plate of their mother's delicious rice and beans or macaroni pie and wandered to separate quarters.

Somebody had to try to fill his shoes. Tiffany appointed herself family photographer, picking up the camcorder her father never let anyone touch. "Just being in the house he would record us. Little things. I mean not just Christmas, but an ordinary winter day," she says. He even filmed them sleeping.

Each sister dealt with the loss in her own way. Tiffany took on a co-parenting role; Ashley, the middle child, kept more to herself. Little Kimberly wrote a book about the dad she never knew. And they passed from bedroom to bedroom a poster-sized photograph of their parents, clearly in love, their heads touching.

For Tiffany the tragedy also unearthed secrets she was never supposed to know — changing the image of who her father was and further confusing her.

When Sita applied for benefits and widows' funds she discovered that Vishnoo had been married in Trinidad and, because of a botched divorce, still was. He had three daughters with that wife, who was fighting for his assets, even claiming ownership of half the house.

Tiffany watched her mother tangle with bureaucracies and lawyers. She herself was in a titanic battle with adolescence, a jumble of feelings that left her sorry for her mother and mad at her all at once.

When Tiffany was 13, Charlie Gool came on the scene, a man her mother had been married to in Guyana before she met Vishnoo. Tiffany says she rebelled, mouthing off. No one would replace her father. An aunt intervened. "Don't you want your mom to be happy? Look at her."

In time, Tiffany says, she came to respect Charlie. She lectured her younger sisters to do the same. At the big Sweet 16 party her mom threw for her, Charlie played stepdad. Tiffany appreciated the effort and let him walk her into the ballroom, but still there is a part of her that waits for Vishnoo.

Lately, she's been having this recurring dream: Her father gets hit on the head and she sees him on the street. She tries to talk to him but he doesn't remember her. "Who are you?" he says — and then she wakes up.

geraldine.baum@latimes.com
--

Contact AG Martha Coakley to get the repeal of restraining order law on ballot that has done more harm than good to families

2011-09-06T05:35:00.001-07:00

The Massachusetts Attorney General will decide by tomorrow, Wed., Sept. 7, whether to allow the Initiative Petitions to repeal/amend MGL 209A (so-called 'Abuse Prevention') to go to the voters.

Bringing the issue to the voters will in itself be a victory. This discriminatory and unjust law is the 'elephant in the room' that's been ignored for more than 30 years.

If you haven't already take a look at this WCVB-TV program from 2000 describing how the the 209A law separates fathers from their children: http://blip.tv/joeu/out-of-order-2077703

More information: http://www.meetup.com/Greater-Boston-Chapter-of-The-Fatherhood-Coalition/events/28557531/

Please contact the Attorney General's office today and on Wednesday and tell them to approve these Initiative Petitions (Repeal of MGL 209A, Petition 11-02 and Amend MGL 209A, Petition 11-30):

Attorney General Martha Coakley

One Ashburton Place

Boston, MA 02108 -1518

Phone: (617) 727-2200

Email: ago@state.ma.us

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Boston Globe G Who's your daddy

What a dad meant to a 9/11 kid who lost hers on that fateful day

Contact AG Martha Coakley to get the repeal of restraining order law on ballot that has done more harm than good to families